aftermath

after the confession i made to myself (and later to my spouse over the phone) i have been judging myself and my abilities to raise children. "How could you ever show prefference" is what i always told my father. i always always always had that complaint. he was not fair with his affection, and i believe that i havent been either. since patrick left, and giving into the pressure of nik being left out i have neglected my baby in an emotional level. this is just my own phsychoanalisis but i think i might be on to something. after ten years of having one, i have no idea how to balance 2. the love the affection, the face time, all of it. i'm not sure what i'm doing. i mean i know how to do the work. i just dont know how to balance it out so that both kids get their fair share of mom.
what i am sure is that after being totally surprised by my own admission i have made a concious effort to stop making excuses and start looking at myself from outside when it comes to my kids. so what if the baby is high maintenance? i need to stop comparing him to the boy and just give it up. the thing needs me like no other and i'm giving in. sue me.