as my days grow darker and my depression seems to worsen, i decided to go to nyc to visit my husband. i took the firstborn with me, and was touched when he thanked me with a kiss for "taking me to see daddy" that's a lot for nik, who is a thankless child in a thankless age.
new york was as usual bitter and sweet. we try to figure out what to do, we are not tourists and we are not locals. the theme of my life continues just with a diffrent twist. pat and i are trying to be in coupledom and balance the need to be a family for at least 2 days. the balance is off on friday, perfect on saturday and terrible on sunday when we all quiet down and the cruelty of the situation becomes apparent. we have to go. get on a plane and go. again. it never gets easier. on the contrary it gets harder. there are no surprises anymore. i know what i'm coming home to, i know what my children are lacking and i know that there is no end in sight. same goes for their father, my dearest, he knows the same yet he diligently drives around trying to entertain ourselves, keep nik happy nd get in some time with me. its all but impossible and we end up just thankful to be together.
it was during this trip that i realized i havent bonded with the baby the way i should or thought i had. i always feel like he's an intruder. unintentionally. i love him, adore him, but he's not part of the family, because my patrick is missing. the family aint complete and there was never a family for him to belong to. just a single mom and a brother. he's my son, nik's brother but he does not have a daddy, the same way that i dont have a husband.
my epiphany comes in the
No comments:
Post a Comment