posts get less and less frequent, mostly because i have no life. well no life apart from that of caregiver, chauffer, maid, cook, mother. i've graduated to some sort of single motherhood that i did not expect was there, behind the door i opened when i let all this happen to me.
"this" is getting married young, having no career, being brought up without aspiration, not living within my means, beeing a late bloomer, being a coward, being scared, depression, anxiety, parental divorce. the list could go on, but i certainly cant listen to myself whine, much less expect anyone else to.
i'm my harshest critic; i get that. i'm my everything at this point. my travel agent, my cheerleader, my sister, my cousin, my aunt, my husband, my friend. my war is my own and i have no one else to share it with. my pain is so specialized that it's become hard to find a kindred spirit. my mom friends actually get the part where we want to die at night when the baby's unconsolable because of the ear infection, but that's about it. i'm not putting down their support by any means, but as my family disentangles from me as quickly as my creditors i feel that i'm nothing but alone. and for the first time in a while, or ever LONELY.
i've managed to pick up the pieces that were available and made my nest, a new place to start fresh. a roof for my children, a schoolbus. but i have no one to share it with. even with all this i'm always filled with doubt. have i done the right thing? is all this shit i've orchestrated leading me to the path of greatness? i've given up on that path, but am helping pave it for my kids at the moment. seems to be the only option, but what, what is that feeling of desperation that is still lit within that says "dont forget gaby"? what is it? and more important, why wont it stop?