aftermath

after the confession i made to myself (and later to my spouse over the phone) i have been judging myself and my abilities to raise children. "How could you ever show prefference" is what i always told my father. i always always always had that complaint. he was not fair with his affection, and i believe that i havent been either. since patrick left, and giving into the pressure of nik being left out i have neglected my baby in an emotional level. this is just my own phsychoanalisis but i think i might be on to something. after ten years of having one, i have no idea how to balance 2. the love the affection, the face time, all of it. i'm not sure what i'm doing. i mean i know how to do the work. i just dont know how to balance it out so that both kids get their fair share of mom.
what i am sure is that after being totally surprised by my own admission i have made a concious effort to stop making excuses and start looking at myself from outside when it comes to my kids. so what if the baby is high maintenance? i need to stop comparing him to the boy and just give it up. the thing needs me like no other and i'm giving in. sue me.

missing ending

something happened with the last post. so here is the ending

my epiphany comes in that sort of feeling i get with or towards andes. he's my little stranger born into us, part of the future but not the past because his dad is not around. he's like a visiting uncle. i feel betrayal to both the darczuks and andes. what can he latch onto as a little boy, if there is no papa? how can i betray my husband who does exsit and be both? i've always wished i had a penis, and i so more today than ever, for the children i mean. but until then come home darling. just come home. the darczuk famly limbo is becoming hard to handle.

confession

as my days grow darker and my depression seems to worsen, i decided to go to nyc to visit my husband. i took the firstborn with me, and was touched when he thanked me with a kiss for "taking me to see daddy" that's a lot for nik, who is a thankless child in a thankless age.

new york was as usual bitter and sweet. we try to figure out what to do, we are not tourists and we are not locals. the theme of my life continues just with a diffrent twist. pat and i are trying to be in coupledom and balance the need to be a family for at least 2 days. the balance is off on friday, perfect on saturday and terrible on sunday when we all quiet down and the cruelty of the situation becomes apparent. we have to go. get on a plane and go. again. it never gets easier. on the contrary it gets harder. there are no surprises anymore. i know what i'm coming home to, i know what my children are lacking and i know that there is no end in sight. same goes for their father, my dearest, he knows the same yet he diligently drives around trying to entertain ourselves, keep nik happy nd get in some time with me. its all but impossible and we end up just thankful to be together.

it was during this trip that i realized i havent bonded with the baby the way i should or thought i had. i always feel like he's an intruder. unintentionally. i love him, adore him, but he's not part of the family, because my patrick is missing. the family aint complete and there was never a family for him to belong to. just a single mom and a brother. he's my son, nik's brother but he does not have a daddy, the same way that i dont have a husband.

my epiphany comes in the

posts get less and less frequent, mostly because i have no life. well no life apart from that of caregiver, chauffer, maid, cook, mother. i've graduated to some sort of single motherhood that i did not expect was there, behind the door i opened when i let all this happen to me.
"this" is getting married young, having no career, being brought up without aspiration, not living within my means, beeing a late bloomer, being a coward, being scared, depression, anxiety, parental divorce. the list could go on, but i certainly cant listen to myself whine, much less expect anyone else to.
i'm my harshest critic; i get that. i'm my everything at this point. my travel agent, my cheerleader, my sister, my cousin, my aunt, my husband, my friend. my war is my own and i have no one else to share it with. my pain is so specialized that it's become hard to find a kindred spirit. my mom friends actually get the part where we want to die at night when the baby's unconsolable because of the ear infection, but that's about it. i'm not putting down their support by any means, but as my family disentangles from me as quickly as my creditors i feel that i'm nothing but alone. and for the first time in a while, or ever LONELY.
i've managed to pick up the pieces that were available and made my nest, a new place to start fresh. a roof for my children, a schoolbus. but i have no one to share it with. even with all this i'm always filled with doubt. have i done the right thing? is all this shit i've orchestrated leading me to the path of greatness? i've given up on that path, but am helping pave it for my kids at the moment. seems to be the only option, but what, what is that feeling of desperation that is still lit within that says "dont forget gaby"? what is it? and more important, why wont it stop?