invincible

invincible; yeah, that's what i am. i believe i have become invincible. overwhelmed and still sad-ish and depressed-esque, i'm still here. i live! i'm still alive! months ago i thought straight up thought i was not going to survive living on my own for the first time in my life, especially with the children as the cake-topping cherry. But, much like cher after a nuclear holocaust, i'm still here. tired and ten years older, i've emerged invincible, self aware, and i'm ready to pat myself on the back, shake the chip of the ole' shoulder.
not so fast. i'm not ready to leave the house, get them cocktails and rejoin society just yet. this hard livin' takes a toll. my nails shredded, my hair greasy, i pay the price. it's ok. i'm aware. self-aware.
as soon as i stopped trying to regain the life of yore, i released myself of that pressure. the pressure of the imposible. i'm never gonna be who i was 10 months and 4 weeks ago. ne-ver. nunca. jamais. and it's not due to an epiphany or my "intelligence" that i've been lucky enough to come to this realization, but due to lack of energy. i just didn't have it in me to continue on failing.
as soon as i saw clearly that i'm no longer gaby v., nuclear family of three, i was able to move on.
i then put on my size 14's and looked honestly in the mirror. "i have to start from scratch. rewrite the book on myself." i thought. this should be fun.