this small little thing is ruining my relaxation. i’m finding it impossible to penetrate the new bonded formed between nik and his dad. they have both grown up and away from me this past month and formed their own little culture. can’t tell where one begins and one ends. nik. my mommy charms are not working on him like they do for the baby. i can’t just make him laugh out of thin air anymore.
this month, I’ve let down my guard. i am no longer cool. i knew he would be different after his trip, i just didn’t know it would be so hard. at least the house is divided into two camps, for now. in ten years i’m gonna be the minority again. in my experience, mommying boys is amazing and intense and then it tapers off. i knew when i planned it, suggested it, and executed it that sending my son away was going to have an impact, consequences, and that quite possibly they could wound me. but it’s good pain. the first step in a long staircase of letting go.
innocent moments like the first day of pre-k, or that first lost tooth are gone. nik has transitioned to the hormone years, leaving baby and me in shit up to our elbows. i'll still be useful; we'll still be close, but he's ridin’ that wave i've been talking about, prepared to make his little mind think on his own, explore his creativity, ideas. after all, that's what i wanted, right?
so many things about being a mom end up biting you in the ass, in a good way. no matter how much you prepare, it always takes you by surprise. and now, I find myself, launching one and letting go of the other.
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