although my mother is a good person, she was quite lacking in many ways. i used to be very critical of the duchess' parental skills, but no more. it's not fair.
growing up, i was lucky to have strong women around who became unintentional pillars for who i am. my aunts, grandma, family friends, my best friends' mothers, coworkers, etc. are all alive and well inside me, all united with one common thread: independence. those unintentional fairy godmothers gifted me with idiosyncrasies that i keep in the cavernous compartments of my personality, and in turn pass on to my brood.
my love of literature, for example, i got from S, who i still remember in all her glory. she was the first person who treated me like an adult. now a shadow of what she once was, this literature teacher, a scholar if i may, would lend me her precious childhood books by the boxload. i was flattered that she would trust me something so precious. the 12 year old inside me stills shrieks with delight.
my mother was oblivious to these bonds while my dad watched from his altar in his office, relieved. mom wasn't very interested in the thoughts, soul or intellectual life of any of her children, much less her eldest teenage daughter. i myself would have at least been jealous(!)
S took over where my mother lacked. she recognized in me what the duchess overlooked. why? i don't know. i do know she really loved my family, and she enjoyed connecting with me on a scholastic level.
during the years that she was my confidant and friend, her paramount attribute was her willingness to blatantly educate me, or at least encourage my innate interest in literature. only my father had attempted this inconceivable deed before. imagine! a parent actually teaching their child!
another powerful influence was my maternal grandma MN. she was great. a pioneer, there are really no words, as she deserves a post, a blog or book even dedicated to her. a lifetime educator, she graced me with her attention. I still ask myself what would she do in a situation or even say things like "if MN was alive..."
my paternal aunts were so loving, physically embracing me every time i saw them. my mother was distant, so they satisfied that role with syrupy sweetness. sunday afternoons were a latino love fest of unpopular spanish ballads, yogur y pan de yuca, and driving 'round the malecon in a fiat uno. shotgun forever! my secret lullabies for the boys i stole from them.
from all the rest i learned organization, elegance, certain values. i payed attention to their faults even more than to their attributes and to this day remember them when i catch glimpses of those in me. i am every mother i ever met, every woman.
i'm so deep into this motherhood thing, and all it does is make me more self analytical. i obsess over the children for hours on end. my evenings are spent thinking about nik and how he's doing, how he's growing, and what influence i have in his life. with my kids i'm all about building relationships, but more than anything teaching; i'm helping them become independent thinkers, and work on being a refuge for when they inevitably become outsiders. i want them to ride the wave instead of dipping their foot in the puddle, and i will do this inspired by all the amazing mothers i've met along the way.
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